wednesday, january 21st, 2026

There are many of us during this act, I count six not including myself because I can't remember being myself once. We are a family. Two grandparents, in a red corvette, the lady driving. A married couple, hosting an evil - by choice or not I'm not sure. Their baby, 13 months she understands. The babysitter is obligated she loves her. I am the family. First I am in the home. It's "nice" not "homey". Grey slate walls and countertops. Open concept kitchen. Living room ceiling A-framed and cherrywood. First I think I am holding Baby. She's squirming because something is not right. Dad's horror striken holding Mom. She screams no words, she keeps her mouth "O" opened (not keeps, "keeps" sounds like shes able to maintain anything and she can't she wont stay in any capacity) and her face strains contorted ugly desperate. Dad's arms wrap around her ribs so we see every twist of her neck and face and every spasm of her arms and all the kicks she wants "O" out. Then I am Mom running running, scaling side of house rockclimber. Up to brown tiled roof triangled down I am in the center. I am looking forward the roof is a straight line, isosocles peak.Running full force. I am afraid. Still running I do not stop before I jump. Just then I am Grandma. Semi-omniscient, I know I am not really driving my husband and I to the airport for our next beach vacation. I know our suitcases are not in the trunk. I turn to Grandpa, my husband, in the passengers seat smiling. He smiles. I keep smiling and I look past him. At MY (Elle) elementary school. We don't stop just slow to a stop for a moment. I am so excited to go somewhere new. We deserve a trip. I look in the rearview mirror. White hair pokes our of my hankercheif head wrap, same old black rectanged sunglasses. I speed back up. I am glad I packed the old carpet patterned suitcase from girlhood, not the obnxious plastic boxy one my daughter bought me. She is not safe at home, I forget, they are not safe. Husband and I are so excited for somewhere warm. THEN IT GOES SO FAST. I am Babysitter. I am cooking and watching baby at highchair. Dad is vacant standing outside kitchen threshold. Then he turns to me. He is open mouth crying wet face. Draining eyes. He stays there. I stay watching. I am Dad this keeps happening. I cannot help it. I am Babysitter. Something is not right here. I am Dad we decided. It has to happen. I regret. It's time. I look at her, Babysitter. I am Babysitter. I can't stop anything from happening. We decided. It has to happen? I follow him to the hallway. I bring baby in her carrier. I am Dad. I left her waiting in the hallway. I am in our room looking at my ties. My eyes are crying again. I don't know what will happen after. I was so scared. Now I am ready I am dread-full.I am Babysitter. I set her in her room (I AM ELLE IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE CRINES OLD PLAYROOM, INCLUDING THE GIRAFFE WALLS THE ANIMALS THE BLUE PAINT). I am Baby, Babysitter crouches in front of me. She is smiling she is moving her hands like shadowpuppets she is waiting for me to smile. I smile. I am afraid. Something is not right. I am Babysitter. I back away into the hallway. Baby's carried is in the centered in the doorway, but about 3-4 feet back. She cannot see into the hallway. All she sees is me framed by the doorway of her bedroom. I should have left this house a time ago. I couldn't. Something in me couldn't leave these people alone. They can't do it alone. I couldn't leave this child. She is beautiful and she is innocent, and I can protect her from almost nothing. I can be there with her as this all happens. Dad is leaving his bedroom, he is walking past me. He is opening the- I am Dad. I pull open the closet door because it's time. I walk in. I close the door in front of me. I am wrapping fabric ties and dressshirts around my neck. I feel it's fibers against the hairs of my skin. I pull tighter. I make the knot. I am Babysitter. I hear him drop. I hear him choking. I do not move. I am watching Baby she is smiling, I am making more shadowpuppets with my hands. It's slower now. I am packing up very intentionally. Now I am Grandma. I am Omniscient now. It's a shame everything that happened.I realize we are not going on vacation.There's a mess of things back at home. I look at my husband. He is dressed for the occassion. But we are just confused. It's time to go back to the house. It's time to check on the baby, she at least I know is okay.. I am Babysitter. I am holding Baby's carrier by the handle. We are standing outside on the curb. The sun is bright. It is spring. I am calmer now. It is almost warm except for the wind. We are waiting and the red corvette pulls right in front of us. Grandma and Grandpa start speaking through the window. I remember Mom in the driveway.

I'm not quite sure what to say about this but it's worth knowing the perspective changes were seamless and very quick. I did not realize I was switching once during the dream. Even at the end. I woke up nauseous and cold. I put it all together retelling things to Mae later.

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